I’m writing this on a Dahabiya boat on the Nile, listening to the impassioned bubbling of a Spanish family playfully arguing over a game of backgammon. My fiancé is reading on the sun lounge next to me. And for the first time in as long as I can remember, I don’t ‘have’ to work.
Not that there isn’t still always something to do. I still own three businesses, including one that is still very much in its infancy and needs to be tended to like an unsettled newborn. But for once, it’s an option. My first business has a great management team that don’t need me. The second has a new CEO who has more than filled my shoes. The third, the newest, (in carrying on the newborn analogy) has a fantastic father/co-parent who can handle this night shift while I’m on leave.
And so, I’m left on the Nile, without wifi, without the ability to doomscroll Instagram, without reports to read, board papers to write, newsletters to digest, a social life to escape into.. just me, and my thoughts.
Yikes.
What I haven’t done over the last… let’s round it off to a lazy decade.. to avoid finding myself in this exact position. To do anything to actually have to sit with the uncomfortable feelings of reflection. To have to ask ‘who I am without work?’ ‘what do enjoy?’ ‘what do I want to be when I grow up?’ (this last one, it might have been a better idea to get stuck into slightly earlier that on the downhill slide to my 40s..)
I spent my 20s addicted to struggle porn. You know the ‘dreams don’t work unless you do’ and ‘success is missed by many because its dressed in overalls and looks like hard work’. You can picture the black and white IG square inspo posts right now, I’m sure. If not, just take a scroll back to through my feed, it’s littered with suitably cringe-worthy posts. I was relentless in my pursuit of success. I worked hard, f*cking hard, and to be fair I don’t remember a lot of the 18hrs, 6 days a week, I spent dedicated to building my first 2 companies. I know there was a lot of tears, at it came at the very real cost of my health, friendships, my first marriage, family connections and experiences. It was f*cking brutal, but everywhere I looked, that’s what building success looked like – the Gary Vee, Elon Musk (pre the current twitter saga – just the ‘sleeping on the tesla floor’ part) methodology to get to success. It’s what you had to do to reap the rewards. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
If anyone tells you that money can’t buy happiness, they’re lying. I wouldn’t be sitting here on a beautiful luxury ship on the Nile if I hadn’t busted my ass and reaped the rewards of that hard work and risk. Life is much more enjoyable when you’re able to fly at the pointy end of the plane and catch 10hrs of sleep, afford to buy a new set of toiletries and some interim clothes when your luggage goes on a little detour via Uzbekistan, and not loose sleep over the fact that your phone bill is going to be astronomical when you realise Egypt isn’t included in list of roaming countries on your plan.
But at some point, the relationship between money and happiness flatlines.
And so, I find myself at a place where my life is taking a sharp left turn.
It’s sticky, it’s uncomfortable, and I’ve still very much got my training wheels on. I might have domain expertise in technology, start ups, social media, talent management.. but I have zero domain expertise on the pursuit of happiness.
But here’s what I figure. As an atheist, I think we get one shot at this rodeo, and at the moment I don’t think there will be much of an echo when I leave this earth. And if I want to change that, given the average life expectancy of a woman in Australia is 85.. I’ve slid way past the 40% mark and need to pull some magic out of my hat if I expect to make a meaningful dent in my universe now.
What’s changed, is I’m now focused on making a dent in ‘my’ universe not ‘the’ universe, as the exceptionally driven mid 20s version of me would have. I now intend on applying myself to investing in relationships (including the one with myself) with the same passion, consistency and intentionality as I did with business for the last 15 years.
My mentor has been gently suggesting to me for the last 3 years that perhaps getting some balance might be healthy, and perhaps prioritising relationships (both intimate and friendships) would not be such an awful idea. To which I’d always responded (my stock standard response also to people who suggest meditation) “In what spare time, exactly, do you suggest I do this?”. To me, any minute taken out of the 1440 available each day, was detracting from my single-minded goal of success. Also, it’s much easier to dole out that kind of advice, when you’re already hugely successful, financially secure, and revered in your industry…
Perhaps its age. Perhaps its meeting the right partner. Perhaps it’s looking at the cohort of founders that all started their businesses at the same time as mine and seeing the stats – failed marriages, liquidations, one suicide attempt, 2 lengthy legal battles, one heartbreaking public ousting of the founder. Perhaps it’s the resetting of tech valuations, the constant murmuring of economic doom, or my mentors advice finally cutting through my pathetic excuses. Perhaps I’m reaching the money v happiness plateau. Somewhere along the way, my definition of success has changed.
I believe in the compounding interest of investing in relationships. I am, by nature, an introvert, and it took me a long time to find my own breed of ‘weird’. I have a small handful of deep friendships I cherish. I want to be a better friend, a better daughter, I certainly need to step up the fiancé game, and might even try my hand at this whole motherhood thing.
I’m under no illusion that fostering meaningful relationships is easy. Especially because I want to be around high character people, who fight in the heavier EQ & IQ weight class, who possess a genuine desire for deep and meaningful connection, and accordingly call me on my bullshit regularly. This takes time, it takes commitment, determination and it takes consistency. Sounds like another start up - sign me up.
I’m privileged to be able to make this decision because I sacrificed my 20s & 30s to building financial security. I think one begets the other (financial security = options), which is what so gravely concerns me about these concepts of ‘quiet quitting’ or the focus on ‘work life balance’ when you’re in the ‘build’ phase of your career. Sure – perhaps you are a naturally talented 25yr old who breezed through uni with top marks, can nail your job within the prescribed 9-5, all whilst advancing your career, being cherry picked for those sought after promotions, managing to stay front of mind with your boss while refusing to return back to the office, out performing your peers who are working harder, putting the facetime, extra miles, upskilling after hours and networking on the weekends…. Perhaps. But let’s assume most are not that person. I wasn’t. I wasn’t successful because I was exceptionally talented. I was successful because I worked harder, I didn’t quit when there was so many moments I probably should have, and I had to apply grit, tenacity, obsessiveness, resilience and an incredibly high risk appetite in place of natural exceptional talent.
So perhaps this idea of ‘work life balance’ is less about a ‘day to day’ practice, and more of a ‘decade to decade’ practice. I certainly don’t have all the answers – but as a recovering struggle porn addict, I can tell you that the destination I find myself in is so much richer because of the journey.